Someone

"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow,

yet we forget that he is someone today" ~Stacia Tauscher

I came across this quote and it spoke to me.

I know I'm not alone in feeling that I need this reminder daily. Not that I worry daily - I really don't feel like I do. But there is always that tendency in the back of my mind to try to plan, predict, prevent - and I forget to take pleasure. Pleasure in the little joys all around me - the simple things I take for granted. I become stressed so easily I'm ashamed to say - frustration always seems to be just underneath the surface of my emotions. Frustration at doctors, the insurance company, the million things on my "life to-do list" that flitter around my head and remind me I haven't done them yet. I sometimes feel like I've got ostrich-syndrome and just bury my head in the sand when things get to overwhelming. I think "I can't deal with this right now!" I recently told our Children's Medical Services coordinator (when she asked if we'd applied for SSI yet...and no...we hadn't) that "on the days he's sick, or has doctors visits, or PT I just don't have the brain cells to remember these things...and on the days we're fine...I just don't want to remember these things...I want to enjoy normal life! I want to read books, and take my baby to Target and not have to think about SSI." She was totally understanding - and I didn't feel like it was a great excuse...but it was true. And I left feeling frustrated again with myself for not being more proactive. There's so much I need to do! Why?! Why does it never end!?

But then I heard about a family who lost their 5 year old daughter to brain cancer. And then another family who lost their 2 year old in a horrible accident choking on a piece of apple. And I remember all the little babies lost at birth like little Eli - so many tragedies - so much heartbreak. And I am overwhelmed with how life can change in an instant - how at any moment it could all end and I wouldn't have these frustrations anymore...but at a cost that no one ever would want to pay.

And I stop right then and praise God for His mercy and wisdom. For showing me perspective every time I need it -and loving me in ways I can't see on my own.

I am so thankful for the doctors and the phone calls and the paperwork - because they mean I still have this little someone...

Someone who is worth it all - and I can do it for him.

Someone who takes joy in the simple things like kitties and the feel of the window -smooth and cool on his skin.

And I don't really have it that bad after all...

The truth is I have it so, so good...

Lord - help me never to let my worries of the future cloud the joys of today.

Because I have so much to be joyful about.

The Man of Your Dreams...

...Is here...

Okay - so you may not all dream of the guy I'm talking about - but if you've been outside the house in the last 2 years...you know exactly who this is.

Even Jet has read up on the subject.

(I found him perusing my copies a few months ago.)

And chances are you've dreamed of him.

At least once.

And yes, daydreams count.

So combine that dreamboat with this one....

And you've got one killer combination. :)

(If you listen closely, you can hear girls scream across the nation)

Ladies - try not to swoon.

Jet wore this shirt for good reason today...

We had the pleasure of attending a birthday lunch for the previously mentioned Aunt Michelle!

And yes...she dreams of him.

There were balloons!

(much to Jet's delight)

And some yummy food...

And best of all...great company.

Mommy wants in on a little of that action!

Come 'ere you.

I'd walk off into the sunset with you any day. :)

xoxo

I love you sweet boy - you are what dreams are really made of.

Beginnings

This week was a week of beginnings.

New beginnings for our newlywed friends who were off honeymooning...

Baby beginnings for new parents....

(Baby Bryce. Isn't he gorgeous?)

And some special mommies who are newly- expecting. Having another baby after SB has rocked your world can be nerve-racking as well as wonderful. I admire them greatly and I'm so happy for them! Keep them in your prayers. :)

(Congratulations Karen and Erica)

Of course one of my favorite beginnings...

...the beginning of Fall...

(Taken at outside the window at Starbucks...cool mornings and coffee are a perfect combination.)

And of course the beginning of Fall football (which is a misleading term because I'm well aquatinted with football and I'm pretty sure it graces our TV till March or something crazy)

But probably the sweetest beginning in our lives is the beginning of this...

Our little man is showing the beginning signs of walking. :)

Just 2 days ago at PT he was unwilling to let go of the couch - any time we set him up to a walker or tried to support his elbows or torso and walk with him, his went all "noodle-legs" and wouldn't budge. Jet was a sit-down protester who's motto seemed to be "if it's not my idea...I'm not having any part of it." (Did I say this was my favorite age? This "exerting independence" thing is cramping my style! lol..)

I've been seeing him get stronger and kinda thought "what's the hold up?" It's hard not knowing if your child will walk - and we've faced that...and we still worry sometimes about how much he'll be able to do and for how long...but when you think they CAN walk and just aren't interested in trying...it's hard to be patient. I told myself "you're being ridiculous...just wait...he's coming along...he's come this far already...just wait." But then I started second guessing myself. "Am I not pushing him hard enough? Do we not do enough PT? Should I be more actively pursuing this?"

What is the perfect balance between patience and pushing???

I worry I'm not doing enough. Not doing it right. Not doing the best for him.

It's not right for me to worry. I need to trust more.

And as if to remind me of this...Jet suddenly decided he was ready to start this process. :)

As of Friday, he's holding our hands and taking steps and just GOING!

He's a rock star. I'm so proud of him.

I know it's only the beginning. And I'll need to remind myself to be patient because it's my understanding that "letting-go-of-mommy's-hand/the wall/the couch-and-walking" is a different story. But I'm so happy to see him at the beginning of something

that is so symbolic of everything he's been through.

Now is walking the only thing that has been threatened by having SB? No. We still have many other hurdles that I'm not yet certain how to jump over. Things that we are not happy with and want to fix - things we wish were easier for him. Things we are not sure how we are going to deal with them or what the best option is. And there are many other things that have yet to be a problem...but could be. And we'll face them as they come - thankful for the days we haven't had to face them.

But right now...we're smiling.

And swinging.

And sliding.

And holding on to each other.

(with Aunt Kelly, Michelle and Katie at the park. He had a blast! So spoiled by those 3 ladies.)

Walking hand-in-hand.

I actually can't think of any better way to walk.

Walking is by no means the only wish we have for him - not even the greatest. Do we want him to walk - absolutely - I praise God that he has come this far - but will we be devastated if he can't some day down the road. No. Honestly, no.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not being pessimistic or saying that I wouldn't be heartbroken in some ways. Of course I would. But in a way we had to come to terms with that possibility once before and we were okay. Why? Because there is so much more to life - so many blessings we've seen and been given.

I know so many amazing children who can't or will not walk unassisted or otherwise and they are everything I want for my child - they are inspiring, kind, energetic, smart, strong, loving and HAPPY!

Who could ask for more?

So even though it's hard work sometimes...

(walking is exhausting)

Right now...

Today...

I can't imagine being happier.

Wonderfully Made

I am always surprised at how quickly time passes, even when some days it feels like it's dragging - like when your baby is sick, or cutting molars, or giving up their napping schedule for a more whimsical approach at sleep. Even when you look forward to the next milestone so eagerly it feels like it's never gonna get here.

Will it ever get here?

Or when you think "maybe when he sits up/crawls/walks/listens/talks/follows directions/graduates high school things will get easier." lol.

Be careful.

Be so careful I remind myself...do not wish today away.

It all goes by so fast. Too fast.

One day you're looking at this...

And then you blink...

These are the sweetest days.

I laugh as I tell my mom each month "I think this is my favorite age."

And it is.

Every month.

And every time I look at a new little baby - especially little boys - especially little boys with SB. ;) - I marvel at how quickly they grow - how quickly mine has continued to change and blossom into this little boy. How clearly I remember each picture - when it was taken - how I adored him then - how I adore him now. How little he was - how little he still is. The things that changed like his dark hair slowly lightening and growing into precious curls. The things that stayed the same like his dark blue-grey eyes and chubby cheeks. I look at these new little boys like Charlie and Beckett - and how their mommies cherish them. I am smitten by their newness, amazed at how fast they too are growing, and reminded once again at how blessed we are to have our sweet babies. And I think about our stories - how they are so similarly written - darkened with scary beginnings, brightened by precious perspective and seasoned with a deep appreciation for all the little things we might have taken for granted. The little moments we might still take for granted if not for the daily reminders that their little lives are so precious. Reminders of what it means to have these miracle babies.

The unknowns and fears at each doctors visit.

The tiny AFOs or a box of catheters.

The milestones we are still waiting for.

The milestones we rejoiced in reaching.

And perhaps one of the most bittersweet reminders...the scars.

You can't hardly see Jet's battle scar in this picture but it is - well - magnificent. :)

I can't believe how much it has faded - but it is still one of the largest I've seen.

These wounds that were so harsh - so un-natural on your newborn baby - are now healed, but not gone. In there place is a less-menacing but just as real reminder of what this little body has already been through...and will go through. But despite the sadness or worry I feel - those little (or in Jet's case not-so-little) scars are the most precious things to me -

they are a glorious statement that says -

I am alive.

I am a miracle.

God made me.

And I am wonderfully made.

"I praise you that I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well."

Psalms 139:14