The weather warmed up a little the other day, long enough for Jet and I do take a walk down to the park. I love going to the park with him. I can't resist his smile and fervent "eh-kay, eh-kay" (i.e. "okay, okay") when I ask him if he wants to go. He loves it like it's Disneyland and it's never failed to bring me a sense of accomplishment, joy and peace all at once.
I do some of my best reflecting at the park.
And while he keeps me on my toes with all his climbing and running around (taking the rockiest, muddiest, root-filled route wherever he goes) I still manage to feel relaxed.
And while I watch, smile, and send a continual stream of thanksgiving prayers up to Heaven for these moments - I often stumble upon a thought...a question...that I have to think on for several days before I can sort it all out. And today was one such day.
Sometimes I find myself wishing I was better at many things. Blogging. Photography. Cooking. Housekeeping. Crafting. Teaching. Parenting. Sometimes it's just something I see on TV or someone else's blog - but usually it's the things that already mean something to me. The parts of my life that I feel make me who I am. The important stuff mixed with the things I care about. Traits I value in others and wish I had more abundantly. So when I asked myself "why? why do you want to do all that?" I found myself answering, "because I don't want to fail. I don't want to miss out. I want to do it all and while I'm at it - I want to be good at everything I do."
Wow. So...I want to be Super Mom?
Yep. That pretty much sums it up. I want to have it all. And honestly, that may sound pretty silly - not to mention self-centered - not to mention it's probably how a 2nd grade me might feel. But is it a more common issue than we'd like to admit? It's like I want to pull from every one of my friends and family members - all the talents and traits they have that I respect and admire - and add them to my own list of "can-do's." Not that I ever actually have success in mirroring all these wonderful characteristics and hobbies. I'm more realistic than that. But I sometimes just wish it were so. Am I alone? I find it hard to believe that I am. In fact, I sort of feel like we're conditioned, expected, encouraged to do just what I crave to do. Do as much as we can, as best as we can, as quick as we can. It's everywhere - calling to us - the DIY projects/books/recipes/strategies/tools/tips are integrated into every aspect of our lives. It's what we read about, "tweet" about, blog about, "pin" to our pinboards, and daydream of doing. There are so many wonderful opportunities to learn how to make your own soap/grow your own veggies/take pictures like the pros/design on a dime/teach your baby to read etc. that in the name of creativity/financial savvy/being healthy/going green/finding yourself/just flat out being a better person we all say a collective "oh wow! I'd love to do that!"
And then one of two things happens.
Either we get real (or just overwhelmed) and say "yeah right - I don't have time/money/resources for that". Or we try it - get excited about it - commit to it - maybe even have some success with it...then what? Inevitably we somehow we find ourselves discontented again. We want to do it better, we want to do something else, we want to take a break, we want....what exactly? Do we really know?
I'm not sure I have all the answers.
In fact I'm pretty sure that there are a million different answers that would suffice.
But I'll tell you the answers that came to me.
When I asked myself the question "why do I want (fill in the blank)?" - I realized I was missing the point.
The real question is "what do I really want?"
So I sat down to really answer that question.
And when I started to make my list...things got a whole lot clearer.
I want peace. I want to feel calm, happy, free from worry or fear. I want to trust.
I want to be thankful. Living in gratitude for all I've been given.
Even when I don't understand what I've been given - the blessings in disguise - oh yes...especially then.
I want to receive, embrace, and give love.
I want to appreciate the simple joys, the little moments.
I want to acknowledge the gifts God has given me.
And help others with those gifts.
I want to have purpose.
To see His purpose for me and not fear it, or question it or hide from it.
I want to understand all that I can - and rely on faith when I cannot.
I want to be who He purposed me to be - and know that no matter how much I fear
failing, messing up, letting go, missing out - it is impossible for me to mess up His plan.
And life will be sweeter if I get out of my own way, and give it to Him...it's already His...
...and I need to stop trying to perfect what's already Perfect.
This life isn't perfect.
The world we live in, the people in it, the decisions we freely make - are not perfect.
But God's plan is perfect.
And every struggle I have comes from me trying perfect things that I cannot.
The desires to control, fix, understand, achieve, master, overcome - are within me so deeply that I forget that I am not the one who is responsible or even capable of doing all those things I want to do - He is.
So after I shake my head at how once again I have lost focus
or over-complicated something that is really so beautifully simple -
I smile and thank my Father for revealing it to me once again.
I don't have to be it all.
He already is.
I don't have to do it all.
He already did.
And through Him, and in Him, I already have it all.
So while there are so many blessings on this earth He has provided for us to enjoy and thank Him for - life is not about cramming as much in a day, a week, or a lifetime, as possible. That's not what I was created for. I am His child. I exist to have a relationship with Him, to glorify Him with my life as it is here on earth, to be His light in the world and serve with Christ as an example. And when this life is over, go and live with Him for eternity. And all the hobbies and talents and past-times I did here on earth...though they were blessings from Him and though I hopefully used them to fulfill His purpose for me on earth... I can't take them with me. Nor will I want to. Because Heaven is perfect without them.
So I have to admit - it's a relief to know I'm really not up against this impossible standard I set for myself. The clock is not ticking waiting for me to win some sort of crazy game show in which "she who is and does everything" wins a lifetime supply of popsicle sticks!
(because as it turns out, I think I'm all set on popsicle sticks.)
My worth - our worth- is not, and shouldn't be, measured by how masterfully we can accomplish each task at hand - or by how talented, original or admired our earthly works are. Those things are bonuses - not the goal. And knowing that God is guiding my path - however bumpy or broken the road may be -
is what steadies my feet.
For while I intend to grow and learn each day - challenging myself with new activities and renewing my spirit with the blessings God provides - I know that I don't have to be "Super Mom"...
... just to hear God's little blessing say "Mommy" is all I need to feel pretty super inside.
So once again, God is taking care of me - one trip to the park at a time. Showing me His power and beauty in the form of my little boy. Granting me peace and perspective with gentle reminders of His love and sovereignty. Giving me everything I need...for His purpose.
And taking one day,
one trip to the park at a time -
Is something we can do... together.
"Whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father though him." Colossians 3:17